Then I sat on the couch, acutely aware of the skin around my eye, getting tighter and tighter.
In that moment I KNEW I should go to urgent care. I should have. But I didn't.
>Insert horror movie music<
While I don't have an allergy to bee’s, each time I get stung my reaction gets more pronounced. I also have a strong belief that any trauma close to the brain should get checked.
Because, you know, death.
But I chose not to go.
* Because urgent care is crazy-ass expensive.
* I didn’t want people to think I was “over-reacting”.
* Michael was working! He’d have to stop and drive me and wait and blah blah blah.
“Don’t be be a wimp, you’re totally fine.”
All of these stories that seem so ridiculous now, kept me from doing what I knew I should.
I waited until the swelling got so bad, I couldn’t open either eye. But I was only 24 hours into the swelling phase and it could continue for another 24 hours.
Only at the point when fear for my safety was so great that it out weighted all the other fears, did I cave and say "Fine! I'll go to stupid urgent care!".
After enough steroids and antihistamines to kill a horse, I forced myself to think about the question:
If I knew everything would be O.K., what would I do?
Lesson 1: Follow my knowing.
If I knew it would all be O.K., I’d have the courage to drop the stories around fear. I would have gone to urgent care immediately, potentially halving my healing time. I see how this translates to work, parenting, and relationships. I allow fear to make decisions, and that's just crazy. Note to self: Stop that.
Lesson 2: Rest damn it!
If I knew it would all be O.K, I would take time to rest. I know this whole "rest" thing is new a fad, but there may actually be something to it.
Lesson 2b: Rest has a function.
Not resting leads to exhaustion, which leads to an inability to have a clear vision for what you want. To plan. To create. To envision the possibilities. Oh yeah, and enjoy life. Too often when I deem it acceptable to stop working at the end of the day, I’m so exhausted, I only have the energy to vegetate in front of a screen.
This bodily rest is necessary, but rejuvenation for the mind and spirit is also vital.
Laying in bed for days, in silence, was like a long meditation. I had the ability to think about what my desires are for the future, both personally and professionally. My mind got to wander and come up with creative solutions. I had the gift of reflecting on all the ways I use fear to hold me in a false “safe space”. If I knew everything would be O.K., I'd give myself more time to sit in quiet contemplation and allow my soul to rest.
Now it's your turn...
If you knew everything would be O.K., what would you do?